....everytime I got to see and hold them was like a refresher for my Mama heart. The first few days, the NICU nurses only wanted us to hold them once in the morning and once in the evening so that they did not get overstimulated. That was tough because the only way we could touch them was through the small holes in the isolets. I would take turns with each girl softly talking to them and stroking their little hands and arms. It was so hard to see the tiny little IV's and blood pressure cuffs attached to them. The second night after having them, was a really tough one for me. We made the trek down to see them around 9pm. Before all this, I had taken my first shower and removed the dresssing from my incision. That in itself really took it out of me. When we got to the NICU, the nurse asked if I wanted to change Saylor's diaper. Well, honestly I didn't because I was so weak and tired, but I was the Mama, so of course I said yes! Then I realized she expected me to change this 4lb baby's diaper through the isolet! Mind you, this is probably the first diaper I had changed since I babysat in high school. I put my arms through the small openings and began to change my first of THOUSANDS of dirty diapers.
I think I used about 12 baby wipes. I felt like the biggest idiot. I did get to hold my sweet Saylor that night though and although I was having such a rough night, it was like heaven to breathe in her sweet little head.
The day that we were being discharged I woke up and got everything ready to go. We went down for our morning visit to the NICU to see the gals. Up to this point, We had only been able to hold the babes while they were wrapped up in blankets to maintain thier temperatures. Well for some reason on this day, the nurse asked me if I wanted to nurse Everly. I was shocked and very nervous but I said, yes of course! Up until this point I had just been trying to pump in my room and was getting NOTHING. It was very frustrating. So she unwrapped Ev and handed the tiny little fuzzy headed girl over to me where I placed her on my chest skin to skin for the first time. Very unexpectedly, I broke down into tears....Renan asked me what was wrong and I said, "I've been waiting so long to hold her like this." It was the sweetest moment ever.
After the nurses set up a more private area for us, I began to nurse Everly and she did everything perfectly. I was absolutey amazed. Renan and I just kept looking at each other and were just in awe that this tiny baby knew exactly what to do. It was such a bonding experience, not just for me and the baby, but also for Renan. I was not able to nurse Saylor then because she needed to stay under the lights to get her Bili count down.
We left the hospital at about 11am that morning, knowing we would return that afternoon so I could try to nurse Saylor. I did cry on the way out of the parking deck, but I knew that my babies were in great hands and I would be able to see them lots.....It was just hard to leave with no big belly and no babies....kind of an empty feeling for sure. The next few days went like this: Wake up at 8am and call the NICU to check on the girls and find out what their feeding schedule was for the day. Go to the hospital around lunchtime, and nurse each baby. Go home and nap for about 2 hours. Eat dinner. Go back to the hospital and nurse each baby. Meanwhile while I was home, I would wake up to pump every 3 hours. I wasnt getting much out of the pumping sessions, but I felt like it was the one thing that I could do for my sweet girls since the NICU nurses were doing everything else. I would bring the bottles with me each time we went and they were also supplementing them with formula. It was physically and mentally draining. It was also hard to juggle visitors that wanted to come love on our girls but also try to have time with them as well. I felt alot of guilt about that. Once we hit the One Week mark, was when I started getting really antsy to have them home. They were looking great, gaining weight and I was starting to feel human again so I wanted my babies!! When we talked to the NICU doctor one afternoon while visiting, she mentioned the fact that Everly had another Brady episode. Basically this is something that most premies do where they slow down their breathing and that will slow down their heartrate. Everytime this happenes, it would buy them an extra 5 days in the hospital. Well Saylor had not had a single episode so they were telling us that she would probably be ready to go home in the next day or so, but that Everly would be there longer until she stopped the Brady's. I BROKE DOWN crying. My mom was with me that day because Renan was working and I just couldnt stop crying. For some reason, the thought of leaving Everly by herself without her buddy absolutely broke my heart. That was harder than leaving them both together! That day, I held them both a little closer and a little longer.....and just cried. I called Renan and filled him in and he was able to be the strong one for me. He helped me to feel better about it and helped me remain somewhat calm. I kept texting him throughout the day and he would continue to encourage me that it would be ok and Ev was in the BEST place possible. I knew he was right but my heart was not cooperating. I was praying SO hard every day that our girls would come home soon but I know that the Lord was guiding every step. Our entire story surrounding these babies has been about "Waiting" Waiting to get pregnant, Waiting for them to arrive, Waiting to bring them home. I hate waiting. I'm the most impatient person on the planet. The Lord is definitely molding and shaping me. Working on softening these rough edges I have.
That evening I prayed for the Lord to help me be ok with leaving Everly alone. When I woke up to call the next morning the nurse told me that Saylor had her first ever Brady episode at 10pm the night before. That put her and Everly on the same 5 day countdown!!!! I know it's weird that I was happy about that but I knew it meant that my girls would be together still. The next 4 days went by and I was on pins and needles!! Each morning I called and they told me no episodes, I was breathing a sigh of relief mixed with anxiety about the next day. On Tuesday morning Renan and I were sitting there while I was tandem nursing both gals behind the partitions that the nurses had set up for us. We heard our nurse Kimberly on the phone saying, "no one has had a Brady since Friday." "OK, so they can room in with the girls tonight and go home tomorrow?" Renan and I were silent but staring at each other with HUGE eyes......a second later Kimberly hung up the phone and said, "did you guys hear that!?!?" We said, OH YEAH!!! OUR BABY GIRLS WERE COMING HOME!!!! In the NICU at Shelby, they ask you to "room in" with your baby for a night so that you can get used to it while the nurses are still monitoring them. Ren and I RUSHED home and got our bags packed, carseats installed, voted, took Benjamin to the groomer, picked him up, left the key for my sweet friend to come clean the house that evening, then hit the road back to Shelby! We got set up in the room across the hall from the NICU and we had to watch a CPR video and then show the nurse that we could do it correctly before they wheeled the girls in our room. They were off the heart monitors, but still hooked up so the nurses could monitor them a little. We had to keep track on a sheet of every feeding, diaper change, and had to call the nurse each time we fed them so they could get vitals. It was an exhausting night for sure.
Not only were we alone with our babies for the first time, every little beep of the monitors would scare us to death! I MIGHT have slept 2 hours total that night. We woke up around 7am and Renan and I both were ready to go!! HOURS went by while we waited for the NICU doctor to arrive to do his final check of the girls before he would discharge them. I had packed a few snacks for us, but when 1pm rolled around, Renan had to go to the cafeteria to get us lunch. It was almost 3pm before we got the word that the doc was there and they took the girls back to him. He came in and told us they were healthy and happy and we were gonna do just fine. When he left, we both just looked at each other with a mix of excitement, nervousness, and absolute sheer terror. haha!! We changed them into their "coming home outfits" that my mother had made them and put them in the carseats and started the walk down to the car after saying the biggest thank you we have ever said to the precious nurses. We strapped them in and off we set for home! I asked Ren on the way home if he was nervous. He said, no, but I sure was!!
Overall, our NICU experience was a blessing in disguise. Yes, it was extremely hard and draining to have babies in the NICU. My heart broke many times for many different reasons. It was a complete rollercoaster of emotions that you have to experience to truly understand. But it also gave us time. Time to recover, time to rest, time to learn how to care for our premies. Renan and I were encouraged along the way and ministered to by so many people in so many different ways. It was a humbling experience and we were taught lessons once again by the Lord. I could not have gone through this without the support of my precious husband and our family and friends. I hope that I can one day minister to someone going through this experience one day. One of my friends told me, "no mess, no message." Well, I feel like my life is nothing but a mess so hopefully Renan and I will both have a strong message of Hope and Grace from our God.
