A Whole New World!!!

If I heard one time while I was pregnant, I heard a million times.....Get your rest now!! haha! It was almost a threat from people in a very light jokey tone. Obviously they were implying, that once my precious baby girls arrive, sleep would be hard to come by. I would laugh with them, but in my head I was thinking, "What wimps these people must be....it can't be THAT bad!!" Yeah, if you are a parent and you are laughing with me right now......I deserve it. I truly had NO IDEA how much life would change and how HECTIC it would be with twins. Before I get deeper into this, let me say that I absolutely LOVE these girls. Like a serious love that I didnt even know I was capable of feeling. ......But now let's get to real life. Now the first night home, we were ready.....or so we thought. See, the entire 2 weeks the girls were in the NICU, I had been setting my alarm for every 3 hours to get up and pump so I could deliver milk to them each day. I just naturally assumed it would be pretty similar to have them home with us at night.....NOT EVEN CLOSE. We set them up in our room in our double bassinet Pack and Play on my side of the bed. I might have slept 2 hours that night....every grunt, hiccup, or deep breath had me wide awake. They were on a good schedule from being in the NICU of eating every 3 hours so in addition to the new noises, we were also going back and forth to the kitchen to make and warm bottles. I continued to pump in addition to nursing them during the day so that Renan could share in the nighttime duties and the girls could have bottles. My hope was to be able to tandem nurse them during the day.

 Yeah, that above text....i wrote that FOUR MONTHS AGO!!! Our life has literally been nonstop and I will admit VERY difficult. So i will catch everyone up....I did want to nurse, but once i got home from the NICU, having both of these little girls was literally sucking the life out of me. I loved the bond of nursing but my supply was really low and i was killing myself trying to keep up with them. I was trying to pump after nursing so i could have bottles for at night and it was exhausting. I woke up one morning with what felt like rocks in my left breast. Renan was off work that day at home with us but he was sleeping and so were the girls so I called my mother. I cried my eyes out and she said, Do you want me to come over? um....YES! At her insistence, i called the Lactation consultant and she told me to get in a hot shower, and firmly massage the blocked milk duct (aka, the rocks) Well i did and it was everything i could do not to scream out in pain. HORRIBLE. Then she told me to put the girls to my breast and have my mom massage it at the same time. So there we sat with Everly nursing and my mother pushing on my boob to try to relieve the duct. I just cried. The amount of modesty you lose after babies is staggering! So after that exhausting and tear filled day, my mom insisted that Renan and I go out to dinner that night and they would come stay with the babies. Now it was only 5 days since we had been home with them from the NICU and i remember crying to her saying, it hasnt even been a week and i already need a break?!? I felt guilty but she said GO! Thank God for her. We went out and just reconnected. We so needed it. We went to target that night and went to the formula aisle. After doing some research and cost analysis, we decided to start seriously praying about switching to formula because i was just so miserable trying to keep up nursing them both. I was thankful to have his support and that began the process. We have had lots of date nights since then. Love the support and help of our family. The next Sunday, we took the girls to church and i was in the process of drying my milk up which was a peach of a time, let me tell you. I saw our friend Gina and Chris Dorough who had their baby Ben 2 days before the girls. After church she messaged me on FB and said, Not sure how nursing is going but the Lord brought you to my mind this morning. I have a surplus of milk and i would love to donate it to the girls if you are interested." Seriously?!? I couldn't believe how the Lord used her to ease my mind about giving up Breastfeeding the girls. She gave me her first batch of 300 oz of milk and i was able to slowly transition them to formula instead of just switching all at one time.

 They still now, 4 months later are still getting one bottle of breast milk a day and I have TONS in the freezer. What a blessing Gina is to us by providing my girls with the best of the best. She TRULY has a servants heart. So on we go and as we started the formula, we started the SCREAMING while eating. All. the. time. It was so exhausting and mind numbing to have hungry babies that screamed while they ate. The doctor mentioned reflux and I personally think colic as well. They would toot and spit up and cry. I probably called the doctor 25 times those first 4 weeks they were home. I just couldnt get relief for them and i was at my wits end. This was around the time Renan went back to work also so I was alone with them alot. 

Try having 2 of these screaming at you for hours on end!!! 

 It was probably about 3 months that i really started to see improvements....they no longer cried while eating and would SUCK down a bottle. We are even able to be off all the reflux meds now and they are doing great. Still tooting though. They get that from Daddy. haha! One thing that i did from the beginning was get out of the house with them. I HATE being cooped up in the house so i knew for my sanity I had to take them places. Our first trip was to the Galleria with Mom. It went great with the exception of Saylor SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER on the way out the door. She was done. We went the next week too. After that we went everywhere! I take them to target, we go shopping at the promenade, we go to Mom's all the time, you name it!! I have even taken them out to eat lots too. Del Toro is their favorite. They are usually pretty good once we get somewhere......but riding in the car with them. UGH. They hate the car seats and they will loudly let me know that. Bless them. 

 Ren and I have even left them overnight when we went to the beach at 8 weeks! it was SO needed and i felt like a new mom when I got home. I have even had 2 overnight work trips of 2 nights each and Renan has ROCKED it at home by himself with them. However please don't forget that i am with them for 24 hours straight every 2 days.....just needed to throw that out there!! haha Seriously though he is an amazing Daddy. Very hands on and doesnt hesitate to take charge and do whatever he needs to for these gals. 

 However, Renan and Nicole, the husband and wife have had some trying times. The first 5 years of our marriage were awesome. We rarely fought and if we did we were really good about hashing it out and getting over it quickly. My biggest fear about having kids was that our relationship would change and I did NOT want that to happen. I loved us and we had grown SO much in our relationship with each other and the Lord. Well let me tell you right now. THINGS WILL CHANGE. At least they have for us and I have had a very hard time adjusting. About a month ago when i finally came up for air, i realized that i felt like I was missing being his WIFE. I was the Mama and he was the Daddy, but we werent being good Husband and wife. It took several intense conversations in which i wondered if we would ever come to a place where we were both understand the other one. We decided to really give this one to the Lord and work each day to grow closer to Him so that in turn we would grow closer to each other. We have started a devotional and praying together at night. It's nothing ground breaking and there are still days that it's a struggle, but i have to realize....our world was just turned UPSIDE DOWN and there will be a period of adjustment. We are letting the Lord lead us and making sure that we put each other first. Daily choices but my gosh, i love that man with all my heart. I could not imagine going through this life without his silly sweet self by my side. And he is really cute.

 Ok I think we are semi caught up. I still look back at pictures of the first month at home with them and i dont remember it. Isn't that crazy?!? I do not remember them being so tiny. But they were and now they are little 13lb chunks and they are growing at warp speed. I love them and their little smiles SO MUCH. Their laughs warm my heart in a way i cant explain and it literally brings tears to my eyes. I have no idea how they are 4 months old, but they are.....and it's almost Christmas. I am determined to continue blogging on a more regular basis because if the next four months are anything like the first, I wont remember it either!

Life in the NICU

So the weirdest thing I experienced after giving birth to the girls, was knowing that I had just had twin baby girls, but not actually having them with me. It was a very strange and almost unexplainable feeling. On one hand, I was exhausted and in pain, but on the other hand, I had a longing to be with my babies. I loved going down that long hallway to see them

....everytime I got to see and hold them was like a refresher for my Mama heart. The first few days, the NICU nurses only wanted us to hold them once in the morning and once in the evening so that they did not get overstimulated. That was tough because the only way we could touch them was through the small holes in the isolets. I would take turns with each girl softly talking to them and stroking their little hands and arms. It was so hard to see the tiny little IV's and blood pressure cuffs attached to them. The second night after having them, was a really tough one for me. We made the trek down to see them around 9pm. Before all this, I had taken my first shower and removed the dresssing from my incision. That in itself really took it out of me. When we got to the NICU, the nurse asked if I wanted to change Saylor's diaper. Well, honestly I didn't because I was so weak and tired, but I was the Mama, so of course I said yes! Then I realized she expected me to change this 4lb baby's diaper through the isolet! Mind you, this is probably the first diaper I had changed since I babysat in high school. I put my arms through the small openings and began to change my first of THOUSANDS of dirty diapers. 

 I think I used about 12 baby wipes. I felt like the biggest idiot. I did get to hold my sweet Saylor that night though and although I was having such a rough night, it was like heaven to breathe in her sweet little head. 

 The day that we were being discharged I woke up and got everything ready to go. We went down for our morning visit to the NICU to see the gals. Up to this point, We had only been able to hold the babes while they were wrapped up in blankets to maintain thier temperatures. Well for some reason on this day, the nurse asked me if I wanted to nurse Everly. I was shocked and very nervous but I said, yes of course! Up until this point I had just been trying to pump in my room and was getting NOTHING. It was very frustrating. So she unwrapped Ev and handed the tiny little fuzzy headed girl over to me where I placed her on my chest skin to skin for the first time. Very unexpectedly, I broke down into tears....Renan asked me what was wrong and I said, "I've been waiting so long to hold her like this." It was the sweetest moment ever. 

I have a sports bra on here so don't freak out. 

 After the nurses set up a more private area for us, I began to nurse Everly and she did everything perfectly. I was absolutey amazed. Renan and I just kept looking at each other and were just in awe that this tiny baby knew exactly what to do. It was such a bonding experience, not just for me and the baby, but also for Renan. I was not able to nurse Saylor then because she needed to stay under the lights to get her Bili count down.

 We left the hospital at about 11am that morning, knowing we would return that afternoon so I could try to nurse Saylor. I did cry on the way out of the parking deck, but I knew that my babies were in great hands and I would be able to see them lots.....It was just hard to leave with no big belly and no babies....kind of an empty feeling for sure. The next few days went like this: Wake up at 8am and call the NICU to check on the girls and find out what their feeding schedule was for the day. Go to the hospital around lunchtime, and nurse each baby. Go home and nap for about 2 hours. Eat dinner. Go back to the hospital and nurse each baby. Meanwhile while I was home, I would wake up to pump every 3 hours. I wasnt getting much out of the pumping sessions, but I felt like it was the one thing that I could do for my sweet girls since the NICU nurses were doing everything else. I would bring the bottles with me each time we went and they were also supplementing them with formula. It was physically and mentally draining. It was also hard to juggle visitors that wanted to come love on our girls but also try to have time with them as well. I felt alot of guilt about that. Once we hit the One Week mark, was when I started getting really antsy to have them home. They were looking great, gaining weight and I was starting to feel human again so I wanted my babies!! When we talked to the NICU doctor one afternoon while visiting, she mentioned the fact that Everly had another Brady episode. Basically this is something that most premies do where they slow down their breathing and that will slow down their heartrate. Everytime this happenes, it would buy them an extra 5 days in the hospital. Well Saylor had not had a single episode so they were telling us that she would probably be ready to go home in the next day or so, but that Everly would be there longer until she stopped the Brady's. I BROKE DOWN crying. My mom was with me that day because Renan was working and I just couldnt stop crying. For some reason, the thought of leaving Everly by herself without her buddy absolutely broke my heart. That was harder than leaving them both together! That day, I held them both a little closer and a little longer.....and just cried. I called Renan and filled him in and he was able to be the strong one for me. He helped me to feel better about it and helped me remain somewhat calm. I kept texting him throughout the day and he would continue to encourage me that it would be ok and Ev was in the BEST place possible. I knew he was right but my heart was not cooperating. I was praying SO hard every day that our girls would come home soon but I know that the Lord was guiding every step. Our entire story surrounding these babies has been about "Waiting" Waiting to get pregnant, Waiting for them to arrive, Waiting to bring them home. I hate waiting. I'm the most impatient person on the planet. The Lord is definitely molding and shaping me. Working on softening these rough edges I have. That evening I prayed for the Lord to help me be ok with leaving Everly alone. When I woke up to call the next morning the nurse told me that Saylor had her first ever Brady episode at 10pm the night before. That put her and Everly on the same 5 day countdown!!!! I know it's weird that I was happy about that but I knew it meant that my girls would be together still. The next 4 days went by and I was on pins and needles!! Each morning I called and they told me no episodes, I was breathing a sigh of relief mixed with anxiety about the next day. On Tuesday morning Renan and I were sitting there while I was tandem nursing both gals behind the partitions that the nurses had set up for us. We heard our nurse Kimberly on the phone saying, "no one has had a Brady since Friday." "OK, so they can room in with the girls tonight and go home tomorrow?" Renan and I were silent but staring at each other with HUGE eyes......a second later Kimberly hung up the phone and said, "did you guys hear that!?!?" We said, OH YEAH!!! OUR BABY GIRLS WERE COMING HOME!!!! In the NICU at Shelby, they ask you to "room in" with your baby for a night so that you can get used to it while the nurses are still monitoring them. Ren and I RUSHED home and got our bags packed, carseats installed, voted, took Benjamin to the groomer, picked him up, left the key for my sweet friend to come clean the house that evening, then hit the road back to Shelby! We got set up in the room across the hall from the NICU and we had to watch a CPR video and then show the nurse that we could do it correctly before they wheeled the girls in our room. They were off the heart monitors, but still hooked up so the nurses could monitor them a little. We had to keep track on a sheet of every feeding, diaper change, and had to call the nurse each time we fed them so they could get vitals. It was an exhausting night for sure. 

 Not only were we alone with our babies for the first time, every little beep of the monitors would scare us to death! I MIGHT have slept 2 hours total that night. We woke up around 7am and Renan and I both were ready to go!! HOURS went by while we waited for the NICU doctor to arrive to do his final check of the girls before he would discharge them. I had packed a few snacks for us, but when 1pm rolled around, Renan had to go to the cafeteria to get us lunch. It was almost 3pm before we got the word that the doc was there and they took the girls back to him. He came in and told us they were healthy and happy and we were gonna do just fine. When he left, we both just looked at each other with a mix of excitement, nervousness, and absolute sheer terror. haha!! We changed them into their "coming home outfits" that my mother had made them and put them in the carseats and started the walk down to the car after saying the biggest thank you we have ever said to the precious nurses. We strapped them in and off we set for home! I asked Ren on the way home if he was nervous. He said, no, but I sure was!! 

 Overall, our NICU experience was a blessing in disguise. Yes, it was extremely hard and draining to have babies in the NICU. My heart broke many times for many different reasons. It was a complete rollercoaster of emotions that you have to experience to truly understand. But it also gave us time. Time to recover, time to rest, time to learn how to care for our premies. Renan and I were encouraged along the way and ministered to by so many people in so many different ways. It was a humbling experience and we were taught lessons once again by the Lord. I could not have gone through this without the support of my precious husband and our family and friends. I hope that I can one day minister to someone going through this experience one day. One of my friends told me, "no mess, no message." Well, I feel like my life is nothing but a mess so hopefully Renan and I will both have a strong message of Hope and Grace from our God.

Not our Plan, but His Plan is Perfect!

Well, We last left off around my baby shower and I was showing some signs of protien in my urine and elevated blood pressure. So on Friday June 27th, I got called to come in to the Doctor's office because my protien in my urine was really a lot higher than they wanted and they needed to monitor me. After waiting FOREVER to see the on call Doc that day, they decided to send me over to L&D because they would be able to get my results back faster. So over we went and spent the majority of the day in one of the nice Labor rooms watching TV and listening to our babies on the monitors. They let me leave that day with a giant jug to collect my tee tee over night and instructions to return it to them on Saturday morning. So with that task completed, Renan and I spent the morning cheering on Brazil in the World Cup at Carlos and Dana's house. We had a blast and ate Chicken Hearts which i LOVE! We came back home and rested a bit before heading back out to the Promenade to return some baby items and grab some nachos at Mama Goldbergs. So stinkin' good!! The next day was Sunday and I went to church while Renan went to the Fire Station for his shift. I sat with Mom and was SO uncomfortable through the service. I could not get comfortable and was very swollen. I was also still fighting the sinus infection. So Ma sent me home with orders to REST all day. No problem on that one, I was miserable so I didnt mind just chilling out. As the day progressed, my blood pressure seemed to be creeping up and by the time I went to bed, I had a small headache. I took some tyelnol, and went to sleep. I awoke at 2am with my headache a little worse but again took more tylenol. When 6am rolled around, I was in agony. My head was splitting open and I was alone while Renan had to go straight to UAB after his shift for a rotation. I made the decision that I needed to go to the hospital because there was no way I could wait until 8am for the Doc to open. I had tried cold packs on my head and neck, everything but it was only getting worse. Mom and Dad came to get me and took my to L&D at 7am. I begged Renan to stay and finish is rotation because we REALLY needed for him to get them all done before the girls came! He didnt like it, but he agreed. We arrived and they immediately put me in a triage area where they started IV's and took blood and BP and started monitoring the girls. I laid there with my eyes closed trying to breathe through the horrible headache pain. After about an hour, they gave me some demerol and phenegren for pain and nausea. It took effect almost instantly and I felt the edge being taken off my pain and i started feeling sleepy. About that time, my sweet Renan appeared at the door in his rotation scrubs. I just started bawling. It was a mixture of such relief to have him there and knowing that he really did need to finish his rotations! He assured me that everything was taken care of and to relax. We were then taken to a room and told we would have to stay the night and the girls would probably need to be delivered the next day. I was contracting some and had dialated about 2cm so Dr. Rodriguez was more concerned for my health at this point, because even though the girls would be early, they were a good size and had strong heartbeats. They gave me 2 rounds of steroid shots to build up their lungs. I did not sleep that entire night between my back killing me in that hospital bed and being so nervous about what was going to happen....I even got up around 5am and just went in the bathroom and got in the shower and cried my eyes out because I was so uncomfortable. Where was my husband you ask?? Sleeping peacfully!!! haha! That kid never moved all night. Bless him. The next morning, my Blood Pressure was holding fairly steady and my headache was completely gone. Dr. Rodriguez came back in and said that she felt like we could try to do Bed Rest and just come back in the office every couple of days for monitoring. We were so happy and felt like if we could just keep them in at least another week, we would be good to go!! Well, the next morning, I went in the office at 8am for my appt. to be monitored. I did my normal pee in a cup and weigh and saw I had put on 7 lbs in 4 days. Red Flag #1. My Blood pressure was elevated again when it was checked and I was REALLY swollen in my legs. Red Flag #2. They hooked me up to a monitor and left while I read an article about the new season of Trueblood. Probably not even 10 minutes into the monitoring, Dr. Rod. comes back in and says, "the protien in your urine has doubled again" Red Flag #3. "WE NEED TO DELIVER TOMORROW." I was honestly shocked. I was really thinking I would be able to just be on bedrest and hold these gals in for awhile, but things with me were no longer holding steady, but were progressivly getting worse. I was told to go home and return to Labor and Delivery that evening and we would deliver the girls at 7:30am by C-section. I was alone at the office and I was freaking out. Renan was at work so i sent him a text. "We are having babies tomorrow." His response...."YOU SERIOUS?!?" So i go home, and thankfully my sweet friend Heather was already set to clean my house that morning. My BFF Katie who came in town early from Fairhope came over and we made sure my bags were set to go and we just hung out and acted silly. She saved my life that afternoon by taking my mind off everything. I also took a shower and curled my hair. Even though I was laid up basically all afternoon, my legs and feet continued to swell to epic proportions. Around 4pm, Renan and I left our house with our furbaby Benjamin and knew we would return no longer being just us. It was scary, but also exciting. When we arrived at L&D, they were already expecting us and I told the front desk nurse, I'm here to move in! They took me straight back to room 7 and everything was ready and waiting for me. My nurse Renee wasted no time in getting my IV in and hooking me up to monitors for the girls. I also had to be pumped full of Magnesium to help control my Blood Pressure. Magnesium has some LOVELY side effects. You basically feel like someone is putting hot sauce in your blood and just an overall crap feeling. When that hot tingly feeling started creeping over me......i had a PANIC attack. I started crying and hyperventalating at the thought of how much my life was about to change. I was also feeling TERRIFIED of the surgery. I just could not believe that it was going to be easy and I was letting it consume me. I actually said to my mom through my panicked tears, "Why do people have babies?? This is horrible!!" That night I took an ambien but still had trouble sleeping. Things started early that morning with my lifesaver of a nurse Orlita coming it to get me started. She had twins herself and was such a precious person. All the NICU nurses, CRNAs, doctor, everyone kept coming in and letting me know their part in everything. It was all a blur to me, but I did manage to get up and put on makeup. I wanted to look good for my C-Section at least!! They came to roll me in the OR and I literally was terrified but I just tried to pray for peace and rest in that. The Lord really showed up and I was strangely calm while I sat on the operating table and leaned over for my spinal block. There was the Anesthesia doctor, as well as the Nurse Anethesist Dave, who looked about my age. They quickly got things set up and kept telling me when they were 50% done, 75% done, and then it was DONE. I could not believe how easy and painless it was. The steroid shots in my butt literally hurt worse that this spinal block. The quickly laid me down and the sheet went up in front of my head. I started losing feeling below my chest, but I remained calm as I knew the Lord was with me. Everyone got in place and the incisions started. During this, I felt my sweet husband step in by my side. He started telling me what was going on and the next thing i knew, I heard crying!!! My sweet Everly was out! I was smiling and focusing on breathing when I realized that my Mom was next to me too!! I was so happy to have her there. They told her last minute to come in and she was ecstatic. Having her there to hold my hand while Renan was goign back and forth between the girls and me was priceless. About this time, i heard another cry....My sweet Saylor girl was out and screaming too! They let me know they weighed 4.6 and 4.11 and the next thing I knew, Renan was by my head rubbing my arm and they brought the girls around to my head. I was so overwhelmed and I said....."Can I touch them?" Then i noticed my Saylor's sweet little lips poked out so I said, "Can i kiss her??" I stroked their faces and kissed them and I could not believe how beautiful they were. Renan kissed me and told me how proud he was of me. It all could not have been more perfect....I know this was 100% because the Lord was with us the entire time giving us His peace and calm. There is nothing better. Then it was over, but i honestly cannot remember getting back to the room or anything like that. Renan took the girls down to the NICU with the nurses and took pictures for me to see. It was a very strange feeling to have just delivered my babies, but not have really seen or held them at all. I of course was on a pain pump right after surgery and that kept me in and out of sleep all morning. Anytime someone would come in the room to visit, i would fall asleep every time. Orlita told me that if I wanted to go down to the NICU, i would have to be off the pain pump. Well that was enough motivation for me to kick that thing.....I delivered the girls at 7:49am and by 2:30pm I was off the pain pump and just taking oral medications from then on out. Renan and Orlita helped me stand and walk for the first time that afternoon and I literally took tiny penguin steps. I couldnt believe how much pain it was to walk. That's when the fact that I had major surgery hit me. I got in a wheelchair and Renan wheeled me down to the NICU to really and truly see my girls for the first time. Sitting in the wheelchair and all the bumps along the way was very unpleasant and I was feeling very nervous to really meet the girls. When Renan pushed me up to them in the NICU, I could not hold back the tears. I couldnt believe they were here and they were mine. What amazing miracles our God had created. I was in LOVE.

Last pregnant photo!

Feeling calm!

Everly!

Saylor!

First look.... I love the way Ren is looking at me here. He was my rock. 

First family photo!

Sweet proud daddy

Not sure this Mimi could be more excited!

Ev in the NICU

Saylor girl in the NICU

Being wheeled in the NICU for the first time. Overwhelming to say the least.

I couldn't hold it together! 

First time to hold my baby Saylor

First time holding my little fuzzy headed Everly